Friday, September 5, 2008

Fuck Accountants

I know it sounds harsh right? I work with numbers, they work with numbers; we’re all the same, no? NO! Fuck you for even thinking that is even remotely the case.

Let me tell what they do, they ruin everything, the world would be a better place without them. Give accountants three pieces of fruit and they will find a way to tell you there are six. They’ll say that two are buried in goodwill and other intangibles while the other has been deferred. These people are so full of shit.

Let me tell you why I care. Europe, the Middle East, and Africa is a big region, as such, it has a lot of companies operating within it. When you work in M&A (Mergers & Acquisitions) your job is to value businesses and advise your client on buying or selling the asset. How do you value a business? There are a number of ways but a popular one is comparables, base the value on the value of other similar businesses. Easy enough right? If you sell X and collect thirty percent of it as profit and I sell double X and collect thirty percent of it as profit, I’m worth twice as much as you (not me personally I assure you, I’m a poor analyst).

Wrong! The accounts have ruined this. Those fuckers find a way to hide everything. Ever seen a headline of some company reporting their profits for the year? Yea, that is a lie, the accounts made that shit up. They put in what they wanted to and then buried everything else in the “notes,” we’ll get to the notes in another post but let me tell you it is hell on Earth. So back to comparables, all accountants aren’t the same in how they fuck shit up, each as their own personal style. This makes comparables a ridiculously daunting task that in the end is really just an educated guess because you can never make a perfect comparison. The accounts have fucked shit up so bad it is impossible to fix, it would be like dropping a vase off the Eiffel Tower, strolling down the stairs with some Elmer’s and trying to glue that shit back together. So when you are in charge of the thirty-six construction comps and they need to be done for a deal, just remember, fuck the accountants.

If that has any of you fired up about accountants, enjoy this clip that was sent to me compliments of a fine young lady from Chicago, IL in the good ‘ole USA. Thanks C. Darl!

PS: She’s a consultant

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